Ancient Chinese Secret ADVENTURE!

Ancient Chinese Secret Donuts (ACSD)

Figure 1.  SHHHHHHH! It's a SECRET!

Abstract

I combine the twin healthy ingredients of Canola Oil (heart healthy!) and sugar (for energy!).  I almost give myself third degree burns with the questionable choice of a ladle to scoop things out of hot oil, and I discover the rich cultural heritage of China (One of these statements is not really true. Can you guess which one?!)

Introduction

If you're like me then you may have a guilty pleasure known as the all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet. Well one of my good friends happened to grow up in a Chinese restaurant and she shared with me the super secret recipe passed down from generation to generation for Chinese donuts. 

After doing some preliminary research on my primary literature source (aka the wikipedia) I discovered that these tasty treats are also known as Youtiao, literally translated as "oil strip."  These are actually a real part of Chinese cuisine, although much more cheaply made for the buffet (which is good for you and me!).  The best part about researching these is that most of the webpages that explain them are oddly worded or just plain strange,

      "At breakfast, youtiao can be stuffed inside shāobǐng (燒餅) to make a sandwich known as shāobǐng yóutiáo (燒餅油條). Youtiao wrapped in a rice noodle roll is known as zháliǎng (1)." 

I'm pretty sure half of those words are made up or the strangest Kung Fu movie in history. Most of the time I get the feeling the Chinese are just messing with us to make us look silly.  Chinese people also have about fifty names for the same thing and the Cantonese name for this, yàuhjagwái, means "oil-fried devil (1)." This is odd because I find them to be closer to heavenly little puff balls of deliciousness, but I guess that doesn't directly translate very well in Chinese.  

According to one website these donuts are "usually shaped like small, puffy cylinders (2)," which is a pretty hilarious descriptor to me for some reason and are, "occasionally stuffed with fruit or cream fillings..."  Well, now I'm sufficiently salivating!!  I cannot do anymore research without attempting to lick my computer screen with all these tempting pictures.  So on to the cooking ADVENTURE, Chinese Secret Style!!  HIYA!!!

Materials and Methods:

Figure 2.  So easy it fits in a pot!

1) Enough oil to cover your cooking apparatus                            2) Store bought biscuits                    3) White Sugar (Non-powdered)

Procedure:

1)  Take your oil and dump it into your pot, heat on med to med-high (You know you've gone too far when your oil starts boiling and your pot makes crazy almost explodey noises).  Take some sugar and dump it into a bowl for rollin.

Figure 3.  Oil and sugar!  Like oil and water, only sweeter!

2)  If you don't want to eat very much (what are you chicken?) then you can cut the biscuit dough in half, these are what my friend calls "mini-balls of thunderous joy."

Figure 4.  You better eat all your fried dough balls!  There are children in China...well apparently they're also eating these, but you don't want to be the only one not eating fried balls do you?!

3)  Now test your oil with one drop of water, if it reacts then you're ready to go!  Plop one or two of the dough balls in the oil and let cook until browned, then flip over and continue until the other side is browned.  Transfer onto a paper towel and pat dry (quickly now, we want it warm so the sugar sticks to it!)

Figure 5. Ohhhhhh all boily (not like the infectious disease, but sizzalean!!)  We're boily going where no man has gone before!

4) Roll in sugar and TA-DAH you're done

Figure 6. Put these in your mouth hole immediately!!

Results and Discussion:

I can only guess the success of this project was partially due to listening to the Mulan soundtrack while cooking, you should probably do that as well to get the whole Chinese experience (and it brings honor to your family).  The ACSD's turned out very well and tasted just like you would get from any all-you-can-eat buffet, and the best part is you don't have to wonder how long they've been sitting out under a heat lamp because you're the one in control!  Mine were less cylindrical and more spherical, but you can't have everything, mine must be from a different part of China (it is a big country!).  

Literature Cited:

1)  "Youtiao."  Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, Inc. 7/25/2012. Web.   

2)  "What is a Chinese Donut?"  Wisegeek.  Conjecture Corporation.  n.d. Web.

Supplemental Information:

Well I was good and only tried one and a half biscuits!  I deserve a reward...how about...MASS FRYING OF BAKED GOODS!  I decided to see what happens when you stick the following in hot oil.

Figure S1.  A collection of things just waiting to be fried!!!

1) Flag Sugar Cookies

2) Crescent Roll Sheet

3) Cinnamon Roll

4)  Biquick GRANDS!

MWHAHHAHAHAHAHA!  Something about frying stuff is so satisfying!  I made sure everything was ready and threw it in the oil!

Figure S2.  They're so unsuspecting just sitting there, unaware of the delightful golden crust they will be developing!!

 After it was complete it looked like something from the State Fair!  I was a little frightened to try some of it, but you know how it goes with.SCIENCE!

Figure S3.  All done!  Golden brown deliciousness!! (Well some of them anyway)

Results:


Now that I can feel my arteries hardening I can rest assured that this adventure was a resounding success! All one of me are in agreement!  The best by far were the ACSD's, but a close second was the cinnamon roll, which was sweet and tasty!  The first flag sugar cookie succumbed to the oil and completely disintegrated (which makes me really excited to eat more of them!), suffice it to say, it was fast and I was very confused.  I may have been a little gun shy, because my second try was still pretty raw, and tasted about as good as you would imagine oil-soaked cookie dough would taste.  The grands roll was just ridiculous and impossible to turn without getting really aggravated.  The crescent roll, due to what I assume is its unique texture, absorbed a large quantity of the oil and came squirting out in my mouth when I bit down (which is good if you really like oil, but I was not enthused).  All in all I can whole-heartily recommend frying up your food and rolling it in sugar, it makes anything taste better!!

Bacon ADVENTURE

Hello there!  Happy Science Day!  What's that? You didn't know today was Science Day?  That's because EVERY day is Science Day!!! YAY! So my friend Charles bought me this awesome book titled, The Book of Totally Irresponsible SCIENCE: 64 Daring Experiments for Young Scientists (1).

Fig 1.  This is the book yo. Respect!

http://amzn.com/076115020X

PS- If you do anything I blog about then you do so at your own risk, please wear the appropriate personal protective equipment (PPE), and don't come crying to me if you burn off your eyebrows!

Bacon Smokescreen (1)

Introduction:

As you may or may not realize I am apparently one of the few human beings that dislikes the taste of bacon.  I find it repellent, so of course it is the first thing I decide to do an experiment on, because SCIENCE! This involves making a tube-like bacony structure (aka "candle") and then seeing what happens when we light it on fire... HURRAH!

Abstract:

I do things, things happen, SCIENCE!

Materials:

Fig 2.  The stuff to make bacon candles!

1) Package of (shudder) bacon

2) Frying pan (if you're fancy)

3) Aluminum foil, the book says to use a 8inx6in piece, but that seems a little draconian so take a piece and make it work! Personally I want my candle to look like a skull, you're not the boss of me book!!

4) String (or if your like me and can't find string anywhere in the store then buy a candle and cut out the wick!)

5) Matches (or a lighter if you're high falootin)

Methods:

1)  Cook bacon, save grease, toss bacon.  Just kidding, I'm totally earthy, feed it to some street urchins or something (supplemental information).

Figure 3.  Bacon, don't worry I kept a bucket next to me in case I hurled.

2)  Make a shape out of the aluminum foil, don't get too excited and make it huge because you need to restrict the oxygen flow a bit.  If you make about 1lb of bacon you'll have enough grease for two candles (or bacon flavored lotion which would probably make you break out!) Seal one end of your aluminum grease fortress.

3)  Cut some string an inch longer than your case

4)  Pour bacon grease into whatever mold you chose (I hope you sealed
it well!), you might want to "slow your roll" and let the grease cool a little, or you can be one of the cool kids like me and immediately burn yourself on the aluminum foil (I forgot it was a conductor of heat!).

Figure 4.  A) I obviously did not seal my end well and that grease is hot!  Thank goodness I had it in the mold! B) This represents my feelings toward bacon pretty well.
A)                                                                                                                                              B)

when grease is set but still a little goopy put the string in it, but leave out some it's your wick (or you can cheat like me and put it in the liquid, just make sure to tape it down!)!

Figure 5.  When in doubt adapt! Darwinianism is so hot right now!

5) Leave it alone and do something productive like go outside and play, eat the leftover bacon, or read a novel or something. Place on a non-flammable base.

Figure 6.  Wait until grease hardens and you get a glimpse of what your arteries probably look like if you eat too much bacon.

6)  Light it on FIRE!!!  (for science!) 

Results and Discussion:


Well that was fun and now my house smells like fetid animal, oh wait I mean bacon!  Sadly my first try resulted in just a normal candle, this is because I am too much of a maverick and gave it too much air by putting it in the skull mold.

Figure 7.  Amateur sketch of me after the experiment didn't work.  Those are tears in case you couldn''t tell!

So I switched things up and actually followed directions making a metal cylindrical tube (thanks for ruining my creativity science!).  The following video is the result, music added for dramatic effect (pay special attention to the smoke coming out the top): 

The book says the black smoke from the resulting candle is similar to a car with a bad air/fuel ratio and the smoke is very dark due to the high level of impurities and high levels of fuel (the grease) combined with low levels of oxygen so it doesn't burn very purely.  However I think we can all agree that it is because any grease produced from the cooking of a hellbeast (aka bacon) will produce a foul black cloud as from the pit it originates from.  To sum up I don't like bacon, but if you light the hardened grease on fire you can make an effective smokescreen (handy if you're a ninja) or smoke signal (handy if you live in a tepee).  Now...what to do with all this disgusting bacon...

Figure 8.  Oh the BACONANITY!

Supplemental Information:

Well what I decided to do with my excess bacon was to make cookies to serve to my friends!

Oatmeal Bacon Breakfast Cookies (2)

Ingredients:

                                                                                 Figure S1.  This is what you need to make these cookies so go get it!

1lb Bacon

1 cup butter, "softened"

1 cup white sugar

1 cup brown sugar, packed

2 eggs

1 tsp vanilla extract

2 cups all-purpose flour 

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

2 tsp ground cinnamon

3 cups quick cooking oats

For Glaze:

1 3/4 cup confectioners' sugar (powdered sugar for those of you not in the know)

3 Tblspn Water, or as needed

3 Tblspn Real Maple Syrup

Procedure:

1.  Take cooked bacon, pat with paper towel, and chop it.

Figure S2.  I'm fancy/need to do dishes and used a pizza cutter

2.  Beat butter, white sugar, and brown sugar in a mixer until fluffy.

Figure S3. The "wet" ingredients, you may be fooled by the optical illusion of my butter being melted and not just softened, but you probably need to get your eyes checked, or I shouldn't get distracted by the television when things are in the microwave.  

3.  Add eggs and vanilla extract, mix until thoroughly combined.

Figure S4.  Oh ya!  Blend it...it's your birthday!

4.    Whisk flour, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon in a separate bowl.  Mix that mixture into the previous mixture you mixed before (Phew! That's a lot of mixing!)

5.  Stir in your oats and bacon about 1/3 cup at a time, cover dough and refrigerate for about an hour.

Figure S5.  Yay!  Dough is done! Mission accomplished! Pat yourself on the back.

6.  Preheat oven to 375 degrees F, grease baking sheets (or cheat and use greased wax paper).  Scoop out about 1/3 cup dough and roll into a ball, plop it down on the sheet and then flatten it slightly with a fork dipped in water.

Figure S6.  I struggled with how much to flatten them, but I think this worked pretty well.

7.  Bake for about 10-12 minutes until golden brown with browned edges.  Allow to cool for 3-5 minutes on the baking sheet before transferring to a wire rack.  

Figure S7.  Ya I already glazed them, what you wanna do? Fight about it!?

8.  For glaze whisk powdered sugar, water, and maple syrup together in a bowl until smooth.  Let it stand about 5 minutes to slightly thicken.  Drizzle onto the tops of the cooks and allow to stand about 20 minutes until storing.

Figure S8.  This glaze looks like...no comment!

Result:

Well the cookie was pretty good, of course all I could taste was bacon which I am not a big fan of, so I'm probably not the best judge.  I brought them to game night and 3/4 of my friends loved them! (He being of sane mind and body realizing that bacon is the devil!). Oddly, my friends christened me with an "I love bacon" magnet because people love to taunt baconphobes!  For next time I would figure out something about that glaze, it tasted very strongly of powdered sugar, which was not ideal.    I would give it 8 out of 11.25 strips of bacon!

References:

1) Connolly, Sean.  The Book of Totally Irresponsible SCIENCE: 64 Daring Experiments for Young Scientists. New York: Workman Publishing, 2008.  Print.
2) Bacon Oatmeal Breakfast Cookies with Maple Glaze Recipe.  Allrecipes.  n.p. Web.  n.d.

House Sitting ADVENTURE!

Introduction:

So this week I'm house sitting for my friend and watching his two cute dogs Chuck and Sydney!    

Figure 1 & 2. Sydney is the grey dog on the left and is a self professed drama QUEEN!  Chuck is on the right and is black, he is incorrigible and is also a queen but in a different way!
 

 Now this leads me to start an ADVENTURE! That's what you get when you ask me for a favor:) so my task tonight is to cook a meal just using the lame ass bachelor type food my friend has in his cabinet! So, let's see what we got to work with!

Materials and Methods:

Figure 3.This is a bachelor's fridge, easily identified by bulk quantities of foodstuffs and lack of vegatables.

CONTENTS OF FRIDGE/FREEZER:

1) Frozen cherries
2) Frozen skinnless boneless chicken breasts (or boobs)( like 20 I guess if they're frozen they won't go bad huh?)
3) Ground turkey
4) Popcorn kernels (who freezes popcorn kernels??)
5) Way too much yogurt (plain and Greek) for a normal human to have (I'm pretty sure he's bathing in it, otherwise he's a lactose-vampire, popular culture is telling me to lean more towards yogire)
6) Various shredded Cheeses
7) Acai Berry juice (oh Costco how I love thee)
8) Salsa
9) 3 jars almond butter (wow somebody likes almond butter!)
10) Quail eggs (WTF?! These look old, I'm surprised they haven't hatched yet!)
11) Avocados
12) Hummus
13) Garlic (This is somewhat surprising to find in a yogire's fridge, but perhaps they differ from more common vampire by having a fear of lactase or something.  Also, this garlic is old and growing sprouts, which is kinda lucky because they're my favorite part of garlic!)


CABINET:


1) Honey
2) Taco seasoning (Package big enough to feed a house of taco eating maniacs, aka tacopires)
3) A shit ton (yes that is the proper term I am a scientist!) of protein powder 


I think it's safe to assume my friend goes out to eat a lot! I think this calls for some ADVENTURE! 


So, here's what I did, cross your fingers!!


1) In a ziplock bag/foil papoose (couldn't find ziplock bags) combine: 1/2 cup greek yogurt, 1 tblspn taco seasoning, 1/2 cup salsa, and 1 Tblspn hummus. Add two chicken breasts and let marinate for 5 hr,. or until you get tired of waiting, make sure it marinates in the fridge, because I don't want you to get salmonella unless that's what you're going for then go crazy!

Figure 4.  This is what a chicken boob looks like when you smother is in things!  HOORAY!

Looks a little scary doesn't it!!

2) place chicken boobs in a buttered pan and cook over med-high heat 4-6 min on each side or until done (If you're like me then obsess about doneness of chicken and burn on one side!) .

4) Make rice according to package directions add chopped garlic shoots, and 1/4 cup shredded cheese.  Now chop your avocado to put on top when finished cooking, but when you take it out realize its moldy and be really sad you won't get to eat avocado today :_(

3) For dessert let's mix 1 cup Acai juice, 1/2 cup frozen cherries, 1 tsp honey, a dollop of Greek yogurt

Results/Discussion:

Figure 5.  This is what it looks like when I cooked the things I made or didn't cook them depending on which dish you're talking about.  Let's just say I cooked the things needing cooking and didn't the things that didn't.

I know!  Pretty delicious looking right!!  NO WRONG!  Haha just kidding!  Well the chicken was delicious, although it would probably be even better if grilled!! The marinade made kind of a crust and using greek yogurt probably makes it totally good for you or something so A+ on that account! I would totally make that again.  The rice was OK, with the main problem of no vegetable due to aforementioned fungus episode. The dessert was pretty good, the yogurt kinda separated a little and tasted kinda like bubble tea, or like it had snot floating in it you choose the allusion that is funnier/more satisfying :) However it was actually a pretty fun texture!  Overall I give the meal: 3 out of 5 chicken boobs!  Stay tuned for more updates that may, or may not, come eventually!! :)

Introductory ADVENTURE!

Hello there man or woman currently reading this sentence! I am a morally ambiguous scientist who enjoys cooking and I thought to myself, "self, there is a distinct paucity of blogs based around A) myself and B)my cooking/science shenanigans!" So I have decided to start a blog so I can link fun stuff to pinterest and well that's about as far as I got for now! So enjoy, but if you don't enjoy it then pretend like you do because I totally don't wanna hear about it guuuuuurl!